


Peace and Letting Go

by LeiUmbrella



Series: Let Me Go [1]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, mentions of other x1 members - Freeform, why do i hurt myself when i'm writing these things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 01:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21329860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeiUmbrella/pseuds/LeiUmbrella
Summary: “Hyung, please. Let’s not hurt each other anymore.”Also: A story of how love isn't always enough.
Relationships: Han Seungwoo/Lee Hangyul
Series: Let Me Go [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1616086
Kudos: 22





	Peace and Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Let Me Go" by Hailee Steinfield.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The Breakup  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Please don’t leave like this, Hangyul,” with his tone pleading and his voice quivering, he held Hangyul’s hand even tighter, “Please. Let’s talk about this.”

To his utter surprise, instead of having his grip yanked away by Hangyul, the boy instead gently caressed his hand. Struggling to stop his tears from falling and from losing his composure, Hangyul instead pulled him in a hug, in an embrace that was at once both comforting and saddening, “Seungwoo hyung . . “ with both their bodies literally trembling in anxiety of the goodbye that was to come, they struggled to stand straight, feebly depending on each other not to fall to the ground.

His heart felt anxious and afraid, and Seungwoo found himself holding Hangyul as tightly as he could, with his head laid down on the younger boy’s shoulder. “It’s all my fault.” Sobbing and hiccupping all throughout, he repeated, “It’s all my fault. I’m sorry,” sobs getting louder and more desperate, “I’ll be better.”

Gently stroking his hair, Hangyul said gently as his voice quavered, “It isn’t your fault, hyung,” with a lump in his throat, he struggled to continue, “Please don’t blame yourself. It isn’t your fault. But..” letting go of the embrace, Hangyul gently touched Seungwoo’s face, making their eyes meet directly, “hyung, maybe we just aren’t good for each other.”

“No . . . “

“Hyung, please. Let’s not hurt each other anymore.”

Releasing his touch on Seungwoo’s face, Hangyul reached out for his suitcase. “I’m going to miss staying in your house whenever I feel like staying with you. I’m going to miss having a safe haven in here.” Smiling sadly, he continued, “But this is goodbye now, hyung. I’m sure I’ve packed all my belongings in here, please know that I won’t be coming back here ever again.”

His sobs are now getting louder than before, his tears falling like waterworks, and his eyes pleading and begging, “Please, Hangyul. I don’t know how I can live without you.”

“Hyung . . . “ a sad sigh, “Hyung . . . to be honest, I don’t know how you _can_ live with me.” Shaking his head, “you _can’t_ live with me, hyung. I can’t let you live with that kind of pain forever.” Turning his back on Seungwoo and walking toward the door, Hangyul left without even sparing him a single glance.

And when Hangyul did leave, Seungwoo finally collapsed to the ground, screaming and sobbing and crying for Hangyul. Crying for them man he loved for two whole years. The man who probably will never return.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The Aftermath  
(and looking back)  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To Seungwoo’s utter surprise and disbelief, Hangyul did one day come back to his life, in a way he never would have expected.

It started with a phonecall.

“Jinhyuk,” he groggily answered his phone, “dude, why in the world would you call me so early in the morning?”

“Uh, hyung. Hmm.. first of all, this is Yuvin. I don’t know how in the world you can mistake me for Jinhyuk,” cue an exasperated sigh from the other line, “And second of all, it’s already one in the afternoon.”

His head felt heavy and his eyes struggled to adjust to the extreme light emanating from his window, “Right, it’s already the afternoon.”

“Did you drink again last night?”

“Will you nag me?”

“Look, hyung. It’s been a year since you and Hangyul broke up, I don’t think it’s healthy to—”

“I’ll hang up if you keep on talking about this,” sighing, “fuck you, Yuvin.”

“Uh, no thanks hyung. You’re hot and all but I actually like girls . . . but if you insist, maybe we can make arrangements?”

“We’re talking circles.”

“Right. Sorry,” clearing his throat from the other side of the line, “So… can I come inside your house? Wait, are you at home?”

Yawning and rubbing his eyes, Seungwoo found himself struggling to follow Yuvin’s line of reasoning and topics, mostly due to the hangover. “I am. What about it?”

“I’m actually outside your house right now. But your doorbell isn’t working and –”

“Wait!” bolting up and suddenly sitting, bringing his own self a sudden wave of dizzy spell, “you, what?”

“Hyung, pay attention. I’m outside your house and I—”

Despite the throbbing headache and the dizzy spell he feels, Seungwoo surprised himself with how quickly he moved, trying to remove traces of last night. He badly wanted to hit his own head out of annoyance, annoyance from the terrible, awful drinking habit he developed: Looking at printed copies of Hangyul’s photos, sleeping beside a shit ton of said photos, all the while thinking, “what could have been if I had been better?”

His phone rang again. And again. And again. And again. All from Yuvin. But he couldn’t care less because he was busy cleaning his room, keeping the Hangyul photos in a place where he could find it whenever he needs to see his face again.

“HAN SEUNGWOO! HYUNG! OPEN THIS, PLEASE!”

Despite the screams from outside the gate (courtesy of his _soft-spoken_ dongsaeng) Seungwoo still worked at a leisurely pace, taking his time looking at Hangyul’s pictures, at looking back at the past. With a tinge of nostalgia, he picked up his favorite photo of them: the photo where Hangyul kissed his right cheek, while he smiled like a teenage boy enjoying the giddy feeling first loves bring. Fondly reminiscing the past, he remembered how Hangyul used to feel extremely shy of showing public displays of affection. Said shyness reflected on their photos: they often looked like cousins who were forced to take a photo together at a family gathering, with the awkward distance between them and the almost non-existent smile.

On the younger boy’s 18th birthday, however, he sulked like crazy. “You . . . do you even like me?”

“Hyung, of course I do.” Hangyul answered, his eyes filled with confusion at Seungwoo’s sudden outburst.

“Well then, how come in all our photos, you look like you barely want to be there?” Seungwoo asked, holding his cellphone and showing a photo of the two of them, as if wanting to prove himself right. _“Seungwoo, this isn’t a thing. Don’t make it a thing. Don’t make it a thing.” _He remembered thinking, all the while realizing, _“You already did make it a thing, you doofus.”_

“Oh my god… hey, are you crying, hyung?” concerned, Hangyul held his face gently, staring at his eyes directly, “Oh my god… you are indeed crying!” panicked, Hangyul let go and was about to stand up to look for tissues, but Seungwoo immediately held his hand.

“Sorry. Don’t worry, it’s fine.” Sniffling, he continued, “But I… I want to hold your hand whenever we go on dates. I want to take sweet photos with you. I… I don’t care about what others have to say about me, about us.”

Plopping back down to the floor, Hangyul caressed his hand, “I know. And I’m sorry, but you know I do care about what others say. Mom and dad, they . . . “

“You don’t have to explain, Hangyul,” now a blubbering mess, he found it hard to go on, “I know. I understand. But please . . . can we at least take photos where we don’t look like we’re reluctant friends or something? I swear . . .” he could feel a lump in his throat and his heart feeling heavy, “I swear if we ever take photos where we look like lovers, I’ll make sure it won’t be seen by anyone else but us. Okay?”

“I’m so sorry, hyung.” Hangyul said, approaching the older boy’s lips with his own, planting a soft kiss. Followed by another one, and another, deeper and . . .

A knock on the door.

Hurriedly, they broke apart and tried to act as normally as possible: Seungwoo returning to his manga, and Hangyul pretending to open gifts. Hangyul’s younger brother, Dohyon, opened the door just mere seconds after knocking “Hyung! Mom wants you and Seungwoo hyung to get out of your room! Some of our aunts are here!”

Laughing, Hangyul stood up and put his arms around Dohyon’s neck, jokingly putting him in a headlock, “You’re such a loud kid. I can’t believe mom thinks you’re well behaved.” Looking back at Seungwoo, he said with a sad smile, “Let’s go out, hyung.”

Seungwoo found himself feeling sadder at the scene he just witnessed, how he witnessed Hangyul acting normally as if nothing had happened, how Hangyul can effortlessly just pretend. “I think it’s because of old age but Seungwoo hyung probably has a hard time standing up now.” Dohyon innocently joked while Hangyul responded with boisterous laughter, all the while inadvertently leaving Seungwoo with more and more pain, and a harder time trying to suppress all the sniffles and sobs he badly wants to release.

It was a painful day, Seungwoo remembered. It was their first anniversary as lovers, and first anniversary of hiding. “This photo is that day’s only saving grace,” he said softly to himself, remembering how at the end of the day, Hangyul took him to his room before he went home under the guise of showing him an awesome gift.

“What do you want?”

Hangyul just smiled cheekily, “Let’s take a photo, hyung.” Holding Seungwoo’s waist like he never had before, Hangyul pulled him closer. “Give your best smile to the camera, hyung.” He said, mere seconds before planting a peck on Seungwoo’s cheek.

“My goodness, hyung. Is this why you didn’t open the gate for me?” disturbing him out of his reverie of thoughts and memories, Seungwoo inadvertently screamed out loud upon hearing Yuvin’s voice. “You! Why would you enter just like that?”

Panting and sweating, Yuvin put down his enormously big backpack, “Hyung, I’ve been waiting outside your gate for around thirty minutes now! It’s hot! It’s a humid day! And you’re here staring at Hangyul’s photos?!”

Embarrased, he attempted to hide the photo he was holding, “and uh… hmm.. what are you doing here anyway? How did you get in?”

“Hyung, your gate is so damn low, anyone can enter easily climb it as they please.” Holding Seungwoo’s hand, Yuvin pulled him up, “You haven’t eaten yet, right? I brought food.”

In the kitchen, Seungwoo, found himself shocked at the amount of food Yuvin brought: One big container of kimchi, another one of some budae jjigae, and a plentiful of kimbap. “I brought you loads of food. I know your appetite,” pausing suddenly, “and mine. Of course I’m going to eat too. I know we can finish this all. If we can’t just put it in your fridge or something.”

“Wow, Yuvin. This is such an overkill. You couldn’t have made it anymore obvious that you need a favor from me.”

Avoiding his gaze and instead focusing on preparing the table, Yuvin spoke, “I _did_ need a favor from you. But don’t worry, I don’t anymore.”

“Okay, now you’re making me curious.”

“Hyung!” meeting his gaze, Yuvin pouted, “Don’t be curious. Just, don’t. You know I will end up spilling all information with just a single nudge from you.”

Laughing, Seungwoo agreed. After setting the table, the two men sat down, with Seungwoo staring intently at Yuvin.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Hey, you know that you can ask me for any favors right? Just the fact that you have a hard time asking now makes me think it’s something important. And you.. you should be able to ask me for important things.”

“Hyung, you should put barbed wires on your gate or something. You wouldn’t want someone else to trespass your place,” Yuvin said awkwardly and way too quickly, in a weak attempt to divert Seungwoo’s attention.

Seungwoo just stayed silent and stared at Yuvin, fully aware that the younger boy was weak and would talk within just a few seconds.

“OkayfineIneedyourhelpIneedyouandHangyultohelpmeoutinourYouTubeserieswhereexloverstalkaboutwhytheybrokeupandhowtheywerelikebeforebreakingup.”

“Okay, what?”

Breathing deeply, Yuvin drank a gulp of water before speaking again, “I said: I need your help, hyung. We have a YouTube series where ex-lovers talk about their previous relationship.”

“I don’t like where this is going but since it was me who insisted, go on.”

“I need you and Hangyul to come to the filming tomorrow. We already initially contacted a couple, but the girl backed out and now we’re left with no other options.”

Chuckling dryly and frustratedly, “I can understand how you thought you could convince _me._ What made you think Hangyul will ever agree?” Seungwoo asked, remembering all the times he and Hangyul had to hide, when he and Hangyul had to be _best friends. _The mere thought of the word is enough to make him barf, even now.

“Because he already did.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry, I… I thought it’d be okay to ask you for this favor. But seeing you plopped down on your bedroom floor, pathetically” Yuvin must have noticed the hurt and anger in Seungwoo’s eyes at his choice of word, causing him to halt, “I mean… you have to admit, it did look pathetic with you being hungover while looking at photos and,” stopping and with slight nervousness at his ramblings, “I’m making things worse, aren’t I, hyung?”

Seungwoo nodded.

Sighing, Yuvin tried to compose himself, “Okay. Basically, when I told Hangyul about my predicament, he said he could help _if_ you’d agree to it. And I thought, ‘yay, problem solved!’, because I thought you were now okay. I mean, I know you still occasionally drink too much, but I fooled myself into believing it isn’t because of Hangyul. But seeing you a while ago, it was enough to remind me that perhaps you haven’t moved on yet, and maybe this is too soon.”

There were so many questions on Seungwoo’s mind. Has Hangyul come out to his parents already? And even if he has, how could he just face the camera and talk about their past? How did Hangyul even think about wanting to do this?

Awkwardly trying to go back to his meal, Yuvin was stopped midway from eating a kimbap when Seungwoo asked, “You said you thought I’d moved on already, right?” Yuvin nodded, “How about Hangyul? Has he moved on yet?”

Putting down the kimbap, he breathed heavily, “I . . . I frankly don’t know, hyung. I’m sure you’re wondering why Hangyul agreed to do this, but honestly, I don’t know either.”

“If this is what Hangyul wants, I’ll do it. I think . . . “ sighing deeply, “I think I can do anything for him.”

After finally eating the piece of kimbap he initially picked up, Yuvin said something that resonated with him, something that made him feel uneasy: “You want closure, don’t you? Or at least to see him again?” with yet another sigh, Yuvin continued, “You say and you claim you’re doing this for him, but let’s be honest, hyung. You’re doing this for yourself as much as you’re doing it for him. Maybe even more.”

Clearing his throat and attempting to change the topic, “So, what time do you need me tomorrow? Is there anything I need to prepare?”

Yuvin looked at him plaintively, knowing exactly what Seungwoo wanted, how he wanted to lessen the pain from the reality of Yuvin’s words “I’ll discuss the details later. Let’s eat some more first and… I think you… to be honest, hyung…” Yuvin found himself stuttering and unable to find the right words.

“What?” somehow knowing what it was that Yuvin wanted to say, Seungwoo said, “Don’t be afraid. I won’t go berserk or anything.”

“I hope you find peace, hyung. I hope you both do.”

_Peace. _Ever since the breakup, it was something he can’t quite find and realize. Something perhaps he can never have.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposedly a two-chapter fic, but I now made it a one shot and the first half of a series. I don't know yet how many parts it will have.


End file.
